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I didn’t know if I could (or even should) write this blog. Initially it all seemed to hard, to big, to painful, but after sitting alongside the freshly covered grave of my best friend and listening to what felt like a very clear message from his spirit, it became obvious to me that this is what he wanted me to do. I soon realised it was also something I NEEDED to do.
So I decided to write this blog straight away before I changed my mind – just a couple of days after Adrian’s farewell ceremony and it helped my grieving process enormously. I can’t find any other way of describing the courage I conjured up to do this, other than the way I felt when I did my first live gig.
Another thing that helped me put my thoughts onto paper was the hope that my words would somehow help others who may have gone through a similar experience. Maybe my words would linger in the minds of some and help those who may have to go through these kinds of painful emotions in the future. Sharing my vulnerable side would certainly help many readers get to know me a bit more. Or maybe it would help others to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel in times of hardship – and often the light appears when you reconnect with your passion. My passion being music.
Just a short time ago, I received an email from a busker telling me about how she was finding it hard to get out and live again, to busk again after 3 people close to her had suddenly died. She felt like she had fallen into a hole and couldn’t find the inspiration to pick herself up and move forward again. I can relate to her story and empathise with her completely. Death is such a weird thing. Becoming so completely overcome with such great loss and sadness. Then it can get totally weird when people who were close to the person who passes away suddenly start behaving completely out of character. People start saying or doing hurtful things and start pointing the finger of blame all to quickly. It’s such an awkward time, but I guess we all grieve in different ways.
For me, I like to sing, it’s my way of getting through hard times (some call it singing the blues – even though punk blues are often more my style… the harder and faster I sing, the better I feel). But no matter how fast or slow, loud or soft, music can be incredibly healing and there are many songs that can help us understand difficult times and give us strength again to climb out of those dark holes.
The night before Adrian’s funeral, my wife told me “I’m just not ready to say goodbye yet, but the only thing that has helped me let go has been your song with the lyrics ‘This is only One Farewell’ which I keep singing over and over. It’s the only thing that is helping me to let go”. The vibe of this song and the lyrics comforted my wife and helped her find some strength. I’m sure many people have had the same experience from certain songs be it for death, birth, love, etc. This is the mysterious and miraculous gift that music brings us.
Singing seems to clear the air for me and puts me in contact with the person I was close to. It helps if I can sing at their ceremony or celebration of life. I sang for my mum at her funeral and it was one of the most memorable moments of my life. I sang Tim Buckley’s ‘Song to the Siren’. I only had time to learn it one day before the funeral and no matter how many times I played it, I just couldn’t get it right. So I gave in and decided not to play. My decision not to play was suddenly supported by some family members who thought that my style of ‘pop’ music wouldn’t be appropriate in a catholic church.
But deep down I really did want to do something special for my mum and my music was a gift she always appreciated from me. I also felt such a strong urge to express myself through song. Yet my family had given me the perfect excuse to remain in my darkness by saying that they didn’t want me to sing.
I finally recognised the inner conflict going on and realised that NOT playing just didn’t feel right. So, I asked myself “what would mum want? ” And I told my family that I was going to ask mum what she wanted! They thought I’d gone a bit loopy and took no notice. But this is what I do. To this day, in times of confusion I still call upon my father’s wisdom.
So I asked my mother and I got a very strong answer to sing! I then knew with all my heart that my mum wanted me to do this for her. Once I knew this, everything seemed to fall into place. My family thought I was crazy, but couldn’t argue when I told them “mum wants me to play”. Then a good friend appeared out of nowhere and decided to sing with me. Hearing my lack of confidence with a new song, she said “C’mon, think of all those difficult performances you’ve done out in all those far flung corners of the world and on stage in front of thousands of people… compared to that, you know this will be easy!”
She reminded me that this wasn’t about me, it was for my mother and that she’d want me to do it no matter how good or bad it sounded. “It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be you, your gift for her”. Her message hit home and although I still couldn’t get the song right on the morning of the funeral, I still played and at the ceremony it all seemed so easy. In fact, the song seemed to take on a life of its own and I was just the vehicle that brought it to life. After that day, my confidence grew tenfold knowing that I could celebrate the lives of those close to me with such a powerful gift. And it never ceases to amaze me how things pan out… as a result of this newfound confidence, I started getting requests to sing ‘special moment’ songs at weddings, engagements, parties, etc.
Since that incredibly powerful and memorable moment, that song has always carried a strong memory of my mum with it. It’s her song now. And to this day, whenever I go out to perform I use that lesson to carry me out onto the stage where I give the audience a bit of the ‘real’ me. In fact, I give them a lot of the real me which will never be perfect, and from what my audiences keep telling me – that’s what makes every live performance so unique.
So when my dearest friend Adrian suddenly left us, I knew – without a shadow of doubt that I had to sing at his farewell. I wanted to honour this incredible guy who encouraged everything I ever chose to do, no matter how big the dream. Adrian was a peaceful eco warrior, a wild mushroom expert and a walking encyclopaedia when it came to Australian native animals and plants. He was a pillar of support for me and my wife Michelle, as well as an uncle and teacher to my 4 children. He was always there for us whenever we needed to travel for work or go on tour or go out traversing from city to bush on busking adventures. He was the chief tree planter and decision maker for the environmental charity we managed together. Everyone needs an Adrian in their life and I always felt so blessed to have him in ours, long before he left and even more now that he’s gone. And even though he will be deeply missed, he has reinforced a message that is emerging in this blog… that is – to truly appreciate the value of life – and the value of who we are and what we bring to this world.
So often musicians and performers undervalue what they do and what they have to offer society. Uncannily, it seems that some of my darkest moments have helped me learn to value what I do as a performer. They have taught me to accept that I cannot please everyone, but I can, most definitely, bring some level of joy or happiness to those I love and those who love who I am and what I do. It seems crazy that the loss of incredible people in my life has taught me that all I have to do is reach out to those who are supportive and I’ll automatically find success.
I mentioned earlier how my wife found comfort and strength from my song called ‘One Farewell’. It’s amazing how appropriate this song was for Adrian, so I thought I should share it with you. One Farewell was recorded for my album and was performed at Adrian’s ceremony by myself and a local Aboriginal guy – Kyle Slabb, who played percussion and sang the message in his traditional Bundjalung language. Adrian’s ashes were spread out over a forest where he had spent hours working to bring it back to life and amongst the native gardens that he planted. As we sang, Adrian’s spirit was set free in a beautiful place that was so special to him. It was an incredible moment to play this very special acoustic version and again it came out easily in a wide open space, out in the forest.
I’ll be forever grateful to Adrian for his gift of friendship and for giving me the opportunity to continue my music career. I feel honoured that I could repay him with a gift that he helped me develop.
Cheers Adrian, you were an integral part of our family and one of the best mates anyone could ask for and it brings us all great comfort knowing that you are here, not only in spirit, but in song.
Here are the lyrics to One Farewell which you can hear and read more about at www.johnniemac.com
ONE FAREWELL
© April 1998
Lyrics by John McCarthy & Chris Driscoll, Music by Johnnie McCarthy
Bundjalung Lyrics by Kyle Slabb.
I hear in Spirit talking
The stories from your walking
All the stories you have sung to us
Are the ones that we will tell
And though you chose to leave us now,
Oh this, is only one farewell
Land that you have walked upon
Was never to be kept
Land cannot be stolen when anointed by the wept
Land that once was taken is sacred by the tears
And flags and boats in foreign lands….
Remembered in the years
As only one farewell
Oh this is only one farewell
Bundjalung walking, Bundjalung talking
[REPEAT X 3]
The stories you have sung to us
Are the ones that we will tell
This grieving from your leaving softens…. knowing
This is only one farewell
Fires burning, soul’s returning
You have left us with the learning
Fires burning, soul’s returning
You have left us with the learning
Oh fires burning, soul’s returning
You have left us with the learning
Oh fires burning, soul’s returning
You have left us with the learning
This is only one farewell
[REPEAT X 2]
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Johnnie Mac is a world class, professional, leading street performer, turned celebrated musician. He is the only Aussie Professional Busker who provides a fast, reliable and sure-fire Busking System that can transform any busker into a well paid and highly acclaimed entertainer enjoying a remarkably exciting lifestyle. To discover 101 Essential Tips to Have More Fun and Earn More Money Busking visit http://www.BuskerWorld.com/theBuskersBible
